Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
