I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Im part way to drunk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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