sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize