My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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