she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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