I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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