You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
