Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
