Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
