I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry my hands just texted you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
