I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Girls should come with a carfax report
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
