i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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