sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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