we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize