Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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