My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
