I'm really into asian looking animals
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
