Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
