No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
