Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
this just has baby written all over it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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