YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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