Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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