I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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