I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
