Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
