I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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