In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
