you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
