STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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