My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
