the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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