It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
