I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
