I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just threw up on my dentist
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
