okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
