i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
