i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
