Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
