mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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