"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
