quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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