The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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