I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You ruined the universe
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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