Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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