honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
