am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
