Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
