Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
