Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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