honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
