I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
