drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
