When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ketchup is God's man juice
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
