Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
