Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
